My Rules

  • Posted on July 21, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Ok. So I was going to post about my whacked-out dream involving theater, Richard Alpert, her, a cotillion, making out, a disco, and peeing, and how I didn’t expect all that in a dream, having watched Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves last night, and about how I feel old since I always thought Kevin Costner was way too old to play Robin Hood and yet last night I found myself thinking, “Well, he doesn’t look that old…” But instead I’m going to post about this. Because seriously, there are so many things wrong with this, I can’t even tell you.

Let me first say that yes, I’ve read the book “The Rules.” My mom recommended it. I don’t remember how old I was, but it was before I met Darren, and I met him when I was 19. Don’t get me started on what kind of a message you’re sending your 18-year-old daughter when you give her a book – your 18-year-old daughter – about how to get a man to propose. I’m just saying. Mom, I love you, but that officially negates your status as a “feminist.”

Anyway, I read it and spent most of the time nodding in that, “Yeah, well, duh,” kind of way. I mean, I can pretty much sum the book up in a few quick pointers.

1) Don’t look like a schlep. Men don’t want to marry schleps.
2) Don’t stalk men. They tend not to like it. And if you have to ask if something counts as stalking, then the answer is, “Yes it does.”
3) Men will pay attention to you when they like you. This includes calling you. They will not when they don’t.

So these women, I have to give them props, they eked not one but TWO novels out of this concept. My inability to perform this kind of “idea expansion” probably explains a majority of the reason why I’m not yet a published novelist. I mean, these chapters: How to perform The Rules when you’re married. How to perform The Rules when you’re divorced. How to perform The Rules when you’re in high school. How to perform The Rules when you’re a 200 lb gorilla that eats bananas and thinks pink butts are sexy.

And now? The offer CONSULTATION SERVICES. For like $300 an hour or something ridiculous like that. And I am left here gaping and wondering two things. One, are there seriously people that desperate to pay that kind of money for dating advice that is painfully obvious; and two, how in the name of all things holy can I get myself in on this racket?

ETA: I can get myself in on this. I can pay them $1200 to become a “Certified Dating Coach” and charge people to give them dating advice and makeovers. Seriously. I kid you not. Sadly, I’m not sure if I’m appalled or interested.

Things I know that I’ve heard somewhere (2)

An Open Letter. Because It Has To Be Said.

  • Posted on July 20, 2010 at 11:17 am

Dear People Who Argue About Contest Results, Feedback, Constructive Criticism, Reviews of you Work, etc:

I have several points to make and, although I am speaking for myself only, I believe I am a good representative of others out there, so get off your high frigging horse and pay me some attention.

Point The First: Arguing with the person responsible for any contest is most likely not going to change the current results. Nobody is going to say, “OH! You wrote me a scathing email that is, like your contest submission, littered with grammatical and punctuation errors. Let me bump a worthy entry out of the top spot and put you there. Congratulations!” This also applies to submissions to publishers, editors, and the like. Criticizing the publisher’s taste because (s)he doesn’t choose to publish your story is a sure way to swiftly end your writing career.

Point The Second: Antagonizing the person responsible for any contest may very well land your submissions for any future contests in the circular file. Didn’t your mama ever tell you that you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar? I’m just saying.

Point The Third: The purpose of reviews is to help other people decide whether your story, novel, movie, song, album, etc is worth spending time and/or money on. If your story or movie or song or whatever sucks, most likely the reviews of it are going to suck as well. Reviews are not meant to be constructive, they are meant to inform. PS. You make yourself seem even more the ass when you argue with the reviewer. Here’s a quick tip: To get good reviews, produce quality shit.

Point The Fourth: There is no point the fourth. I am reserving it for future use.

Point The Fifth: The purpose of critiques, feedback, beta, test audience, etc is NOT to blow smoke up your ass. It is NOT to pat you on the back and say, “You are the best writer/director/actor/jackass EVAH!!!!!!1!!1!” That is not a critique. That is a review on fanfiction.net. If that is what you are looking for, peddle your shit elsewhere.

Point The Sixth: Don’t slam the critique writer, saying (s)he “missed the point of the story” when (s)he points out the many technical errors in your writing. A story should not be “critiqued on its merits and creativity.” That would fall into the “blowing smoke up your ass” category. If you don’t like the critique, WRITE BETTER SHIT. And don’t ever, EVER, resort to personal attacks. Refer to point the second. Two words: Circular File.

Thank you for your time. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that your shit does, in fact, stink.

Cheers,
T

Tell me things.

Turducken of Antioch

  • Posted on July 16, 2010 at 2:39 pm

While I was filing some stuff, I came across the Holy Book of Turducken of Antioch, as was used in the making of the Turducken some years ago, and I read the inscription on the front and it made me laugh.

So I figured I’d share it, such that it was completely ripped off from Monty Python

A Reading from the Book of Turducken, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Turducken of Antioch, saying, “Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst feed thine friends and family, in thy mercy.” And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the turkey and chicken and ducken and stuffing and bourbon pie and breakfast cereals… Now did the Lord say, “First thou defrosteth the Holy Fowls. Then thou must debone all three. Three shall be the number of the deboning and the number of the deboning shall be three. Four shalt thou not debone, neither shalt thou debone two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the deboning, be reached, then stuffest thou the Holy Turducken and place it in thine oven, and after some time hath past, thine friends and family, not having been naughty in my sight, shall eat it.”

Tell me things.

Woo And Muses

  • Posted on July 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

I hope inspiration and the mood will return. It is not for lack of wooing that it holds aloof. But my wooing of late has been perforce intermittent. The Muses do not like such half-heartedness.

-JRR Tolkien, Letters 31

So, perhaps if I put a little more effort into my wooing, my Muses will return? We can hope. I haven’t written anything in I don’t even know how long.

Tell me things.

I Don’t Handle Rejection Well

  • Posted on June 24, 2010 at 9:34 am

I put myself out there and was rejected. So now I feel dejected. Hey, that rhymes! Yikes… bikes!

Guy: Uhh… are you in special ed?

Anyway, for those wondering what I’m talking about, I submitted my “award winning” short story to a Literary Magazine. I got an email from them today.

We are honored that you considered our publication worthy to receive your writing, we thank you for the opportunity to read your work, and we regret that we are unable to publish it at this time. Please consider the numerical reality: that for each issue, we are able to publish much less than one percent of the submissions we receive.

Because we were particularly fond of your submission, in a few days you will receive another email inviting you to submit different work for the next issue. We wish you the very best of luck, we hope you will keep in touch, and we hope that we may continue to read each other.

Ever yours,

The Editors of [literary magazine]

Now, I would be encouraged by the second paragraph, were it not for the fact that I’m now running a website dependent on submissions and I have the distinct suspicion that they’re blowing smoke up my ass to increase their submission rates and readership.

Yes, I have become that cynical.

Tell me things.

Not Too Shabby For Terri

  • Posted on May 24, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Had I been so inclined to pay full price, this would have cost me $35.00.

Instead, I paid 14 cents out of pocket and $12.99 in ECBs. I got $13.00 in ECBs back, so the whole transaction cost me 13 cents.

Boo. Yah.

Continue reading ‘Not Too Shabby For Terri’

Tell me things.

And I PWNed Again

  • Posted on May 15, 2010 at 12:16 pm

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I spent $1.35 cash and $9.00 of ECBs to get just over $16 worth of merchandise. I received $16.99 ECBs in return. Yeah, I would call that PWNage.

Tell me things.

Announcement

  • Posted on April 14, 2010 at 3:47 pm

As of tomorrow, I am the proud owner / editor of the Abbey Hill Literary website, which sponsors a short story writing contest every quarter. I expect you all to go there and check it out, and if you feel so inclined, enter a story in the contest. The prizes are real and are money, which is always nice to have. We have a great judge this quarter, who will be announced tomorrow on the site and I’m very excited. So go there. Now. Please.

http://www.ahliterary.com

Also, I would be greatly appreciative if you tell all your creative writer-ly friends about the site. And if you post a banner on your site (I have banners to distribute), I will give you a dollar for everyone referred from your site who goes on to enter the contest. (I have ways of knowing…)

Tell me things.

Movie Quotes Meme

  • Posted on April 5, 2010 at 9:33 pm

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to imdb.com and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Profit!

Oh, and 5. Guess my movies!

1. “Are all these children yours? Gracious, you have been productive.”

2. “Would it help if I got out and pushed?”

3. “I’m just a little tense. This whole office is not Feng Shui. All the desks are facing evil.”

4. “I am a bearer, I am a dwelling, I am a messenger…”
“You are an idiot!”

5. “How do you explain school to higher intelligence?”

6. “I shall go down in history as the man who opened a door!”

7. “That’s the one good thing about Paris: there’s a lot of girls willing to take their clothes off.”

8. “Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who.”

9. “A man could go a long way without seeing a figure like yours, if you could only make the most of it!”

10. “What color is that – vomit?”

11. “I want you girls to know if it were not for this man, I’d be standing here dead.”

12. “Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn’t lurk in doorways. It’s rude. One might question your upbringing.”

13. “Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?”

14. “You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot’ll.”

15. “I’m a hacker!”
“That’s what I said: you’re a nerd.”
“I am not a computer nerd. I prefer to be called a hacker!”

Tell me things.

Interesting…

  • Posted on March 12, 2010 at 10:40 am

Last night’s dream:

I will try to word it in a way that will not contain any LOST spoilers.

I was on LOST Island, and there were 2 groups that were fighting with each other, and I’m not sure who was in which group, but I was trying not to pick sides, and Locke told me that if I didn’t pick sides and his group won, then it was as good as if I picked the other side. And then he was worried because there was a fire and the black smoke from the fire was this huge black smoke tornado thing.

So then Widmore was coming to the island on the Black Rock, which had traveled in time from the past to now, or so they said, and he was going to join Locke’s group, but he landed on the wrong beach and he was with the group that had Ben and Richard and Kate and Aaron and some guy that was Aaron’s father. Then the Black Rock people put a cloak on Richard because he was all wet because he swam to meet the boat, but I noticed that something was wrong with the cloak, and it was made out of something that wasn’t around at the time of the Black Rock and I made Richard take it off and I looked at the tag, and I was right; it was from the 70s.

So then we were running through the jungle, being chased by Claire, who wanted Aaron back, but we got lost and ended up in some cabin. Oh, and I was hooking up with Richard.

And THAT’S what happens when there are 3 episodes of LOST in a row that do not have Sawyer in them. Had there been more Sawyer, I would have been hooking up with HIM, and all would be right with the world.

Things I know that I’ve heard somewhere (1)