Ok. So I was going to post about my whacked-out dream involving theater, Richard Alpert, her, a cotillion, making out, a disco, and peeing, and how I didn’t expect all that in a dream, having watched Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves last night, and about how I feel old since I always thought Kevin Costner was way too old to play Robin Hood and yet last night I found myself thinking, “Well, he doesn’t look that old…” But instead I’m going to post about this. Because seriously, there are so many things wrong with this, I can’t even tell you.
Let me first say that yes, I’ve read the book “The Rules.” My mom recommended it. I don’t remember how old I was, but it was before I met Darren, and I met him when I was 19. Don’t get me started on what kind of a message you’re sending your 18-year-old daughter when you give her a book – your 18-year-old daughter – about how to get a man to propose. I’m just saying. Mom, I love you, but that officially negates your status as a “feminist.”
Anyway, I read it and spent most of the time nodding in that, “Yeah, well, duh,” kind of way. I mean, I can pretty much sum the book up in a few quick pointers.
1) Don’t look like a schlep. Men don’t want to marry schleps.
2) Don’t stalk men. They tend not to like it. And if you have to ask if something counts as stalking, then the answer is, “Yes it does.”
3) Men will pay attention to you when they like you. This includes calling you. They will not when they don’t.
So these women, I have to give them props, they eked not one but TWO novels out of this concept. My inability to perform this kind of “idea expansion” probably explains a majority of the reason why I’m not yet a published novelist. I mean, these chapters: How to perform The Rules when you’re married. How to perform The Rules when you’re divorced. How to perform The Rules when you’re in high school. How to perform The Rules when you’re a 200 lb gorilla that eats bananas and thinks pink butts are sexy.
And now? The offer CONSULTATION SERVICES. For like $300 an hour or something ridiculous like that. And I am left here gaping and wondering two things. One, are there seriously people that desperate to pay that kind of money for dating advice that is painfully obvious; and two, how in the name of all things holy can I get myself in on this racket?
ETA: I can get myself in on this. I can pay them $1200 to become a “Certified Dating Coach” and charge people to give them dating advice and makeovers. Seriously. I kid you not. Sadly, I’m not sure if I’m appalled or interested.


