Better About Writing

  • Posted on October 15, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I need to make an effort to update this regularly. I enjoy reading about Dylan’s early months, and my narcissistic self enjoys reading things I’ve written later on and laughing at myself. The problem is I’m content, and when I’m content I don’t write. I need angst, dammit!!! Angst!!!

Anyway, Brady was 11 weeks yesterday. He is such an easy and good baby. We are very lucky and blessed. And he’s started to smile and laugh. It makes me sad that some day he’ll be 5 and will have a fresh mouth.

Speaking of fresh mouth, thanks to Avril Lavigne’s new song, Dylan and I had a long discussion about the word “damn” in the car yesterday morning and then again in the afternoon. We discussed how “damn” and “dam” sound like the same word, and that a dam “holds back the flood” and that’s OK to say, but “damn” is a “badder” way of saying “darn” and, as Dylan puts it, “is a really REALLY bad potty word. And you get in so so much trouble if you say it. But darn it is OK if you’re really really mad, right Mommy?” So sweet. So innocent. Wait til you learn about the f-bomb, kid.

Speaking of flood, I’m walking in the 5K Denville Up And Running tomorrow to benefit flood victims in Denville. All you millions of people who read this, come to Denville tomorrow for Band Aid on Broadway and watch live music, eat good food, and shop! Last night I helped stuff runner bags and I’ll be sitting at one of the entrances to Broadway collecting donations for a while in the afternoon tomorrow.

So as everybody probably knows, there was a shooting in Mountain Lakes on 46. I think I was driving by as it happened. Police cars and ambulances were swarming to the area and I saw cops running behind the building with their hands on their guns or their guns drawn. I didn’t actually believe what I saw and thought I must have been mistaken. I was sitting at the light waiting to turn onto the Boulevard wondering if it was safe for me to be there, or if I should just continue straight on 46 to hightail it out of there. It’s very sad and my heart goes out to the families of the victims. This kind of thing is not supposed to happen here in the suburbs.

So I’d better go to bed now because somehow it became 10:00 without me knowing it.

OMG – I can’t believe I went the whole post without mentioning that I got a new iPhone!!! It is the coolest invention ever invented. I am totally in love with it. I did FaceTime with Michael before and it was just so cool. My shopping list and to do list and calendar and email and baby tracker and a bazillion other things are on it. As I said to Michael, I feel like I’m in the future. (Of course then he laughed at me and told me he’s never seen anyone so excited about their iPhone before).

Things I know that I’ve heard somewhere (1)

Hi. Remember Me?

  • Posted on April 26, 2011 at 8:11 pm

So apparently I get knocked up and become neglectful of my self-indulgent ramblings otherwise known as my blog.

But I’m back. [Insert your faux excited response here].

And I’m random. [Insert loud groans here].

Random Pimpage
Surprisingly, Darren has been much more reliable in updating his blog lately. And there are some seriously cute pictures of Dylan up on there. If I fall off the face of the earth again (which is quite possible once the baby is born), you can get your Dylan fix there. Because everybody needs a Dylan fix.

Random Job Update
I have a job.

Random Baby Update
I haven’t been updating the baby blog. I’ve been exceedingly neurotic this time around and nobody needs to witness that hot mess. But so far, so good. Tomorrow I’m 26 weeks and the baby is still alive and kicking, which is all I’m asking for at this point. And speaking of point… I forgot about the pointy-footed nature of babies in utero. Holy ow. In two weeks I have another ultrasound (yay) and my glucola test (double yay). Anybody who read the baby blog when I was pregnant with Dylan knows I love me some glucola.

Random Awesomeness
Back in the fall, we bought tickets to see the Imagination Movers in concert at the Community Theater in Morristown this past Thursday. Being the awesome mom that I am – and striving to make up for various less-than-stellar parent-of-the-year-award-worthy times – I scored second row seats. I had never been in the Morristown theater before and did not realize that the second row is essentially IN the orchestra pit. Which, AWESOME! Mover Rich was standing BEHIND us on the rail between the orchestra section and the rest of the theater. As in RIGHT behind us. As in, I could have reached out and grabbed his leg were I so inclined. (Thankfully for us and for our lack of necessary bail money, I am no longer have never been so inclined). The concert was amazing and Dylan loved every minute. He wore his little Mover Suit, and pictures will be forthcoming over here. (Yes, I just pimped his site again).

Random Exit
I’m sure there’s more to say, what with Easter having just passed and Dylan’s birthday, my anniversary and our Chicago trip coming up, but I’m done for now, so peace out.

Things I know that I’ve heard somewhere (1)

Apparently, I Like Jerks (Not News to Some People)

  • Posted on October 11, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Random thought of the day.

Watching LOST, I used to think, “How the hell was he a model?” Watching the Vampire Diaries, I find myself thinking, “How the hell was I not in love with Boone?”

It’s amazing what a cocky, jackass attitude (and, admittedly, an amazing physique) will do for someone’s hotness factor.

ETA: Heh. So I watched me some S1 LOST and saw Sawyer and went, “Oh yeah, THAT’S how…”

Tell me things.

An Open Letter To Myself People… Yeah, People.

  • Posted on September 24, 2010 at 11:31 am

Dear Self People,

I do not, nor have I ever liked vampires, sparkly or otherwise. As far as fictional, mystical creatures go, they are at the bottom of the list; yes, even below werewolves and zombies (thanks to Remus Lupin and being able to yell “BRAINS!!!!!,” respectively). I am not, nor will I ever be, a vampire fangirl, regardless of how ripped their ab muscles are, or how Italian their ancestry is.

I will repeat this to myself on a daily basis and twice on Thursdays.

Remember this, self people, when choosing subjects to dream about.

KTHXBYE,
T

Tell me things.

I Kinda Dropped The Ball

  • Posted on August 3, 2010 at 10:38 am

- Edit my NaNoNovel into a presentable enough story to be able to take advantage of the free self-publishing copy I get for winning.
- Learn how to drive stick
- Eliminate the remaining credit card balances we have

Those were the goals I posted at the beginning of the year. Have I achieved any of them? No.

Will I before the end of the year? Probably not. Especially since 1) I’m working on the NaNo story from 5 years ago and 2) we keep spending money.

Tell me things.

My Rules

  • Posted on July 21, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Ok. So I was going to post about my whacked-out dream involving theater, Richard Alpert, her, a cotillion, making out, a disco, and peeing, and how I didn’t expect all that in a dream, having watched Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves last night, and about how I feel old since I always thought Kevin Costner was way too old to play Robin Hood and yet last night I found myself thinking, “Well, he doesn’t look that old…” But instead I’m going to post about this. Because seriously, there are so many things wrong with this, I can’t even tell you.

Let me first say that yes, I’ve read the book “The Rules.” My mom recommended it. I don’t remember how old I was, but it was before I met Darren, and I met him when I was 19. Don’t get me started on what kind of a message you’re sending your 18-year-old daughter when you give her a book – your 18-year-old daughter – about how to get a man to propose. I’m just saying. Mom, I love you, but that officially negates your status as a “feminist.”

Anyway, I read it and spent most of the time nodding in that, “Yeah, well, duh,” kind of way. I mean, I can pretty much sum the book up in a few quick pointers.

1) Don’t look like a schlep. Men don’t want to marry schleps.
2) Don’t stalk men. They tend not to like it. And if you have to ask if something counts as stalking, then the answer is, “Yes it does.”
3) Men will pay attention to you when they like you. This includes calling you. They will not when they don’t.

So these women, I have to give them props, they eked not one but TWO novels out of this concept. My inability to perform this kind of “idea expansion” probably explains a majority of the reason why I’m not yet a published novelist. I mean, these chapters: How to perform The Rules when you’re married. How to perform The Rules when you’re divorced. How to perform The Rules when you’re in high school. How to perform The Rules when you’re a 200 lb gorilla that eats bananas and thinks pink butts are sexy.

And now? The offer CONSULTATION SERVICES. For like $300 an hour or something ridiculous like that. And I am left here gaping and wondering two things. One, are there seriously people that desperate to pay that kind of money for dating advice that is painfully obvious; and two, how in the name of all things holy can I get myself in on this racket?

ETA: I can get myself in on this. I can pay them $1200 to become a “Certified Dating Coach” and charge people to give them dating advice and makeovers. Seriously. I kid you not. Sadly, I’m not sure if I’m appalled or interested.

Things I know that I’ve heard somewhere (2)

An Open Letter. Because It Has To Be Said.

  • Posted on July 20, 2010 at 11:17 am

Dear People Who Argue About Contest Results, Feedback, Constructive Criticism, Reviews of you Work, etc:

I have several points to make and, although I am speaking for myself only, I believe I am a good representative of others out there, so get off your high frigging horse and pay me some attention.

Point The First: Arguing with the person responsible for any contest is most likely not going to change the current results. Nobody is going to say, “OH! You wrote me a scathing email that is, like your contest submission, littered with grammatical and punctuation errors. Let me bump a worthy entry out of the top spot and put you there. Congratulations!” This also applies to submissions to publishers, editors, and the like. Criticizing the publisher’s taste because (s)he doesn’t choose to publish your story is a sure way to swiftly end your writing career.

Point The Second: Antagonizing the person responsible for any contest may very well land your submissions for any future contests in the circular file. Didn’t your mama ever tell you that you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar? I’m just saying.

Point The Third: The purpose of reviews is to help other people decide whether your story, novel, movie, song, album, etc is worth spending time and/or money on. If your story or movie or song or whatever sucks, most likely the reviews of it are going to suck as well. Reviews are not meant to be constructive, they are meant to inform. PS. You make yourself seem even more the ass when you argue with the reviewer. Here’s a quick tip: To get good reviews, produce quality shit.

Point The Fourth: There is no point the fourth. I am reserving it for future use.

Point The Fifth: The purpose of critiques, feedback, beta, test audience, etc is NOT to blow smoke up your ass. It is NOT to pat you on the back and say, “You are the best writer/director/actor/jackass EVAH!!!!!!1!!1!” That is not a critique. That is a review on fanfiction.net. If that is what you are looking for, peddle your shit elsewhere.

Point The Sixth: Don’t slam the critique writer, saying (s)he “missed the point of the story” when (s)he points out the many technical errors in your writing. A story should not be “critiqued on its merits and creativity.” That would fall into the “blowing smoke up your ass” category. If you don’t like the critique, WRITE BETTER SHIT. And don’t ever, EVER, resort to personal attacks. Refer to point the second. Two words: Circular File.

Thank you for your time. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that your shit does, in fact, stink.

Cheers,
T

Tell me things.

Turducken of Antioch

  • Posted on July 16, 2010 at 2:39 pm

While I was filing some stuff, I came across the Holy Book of Turducken of Antioch, as was used in the making of the Turducken some years ago, and I read the inscription on the front and it made me laugh.

So I figured I’d share it, such that it was completely ripped off from Monty Python

A Reading from the Book of Turducken, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Turducken of Antioch, saying, “Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst feed thine friends and family, in thy mercy.” And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the turkey and chicken and ducken and stuffing and bourbon pie and breakfast cereals… Now did the Lord say, “First thou defrosteth the Holy Fowls. Then thou must debone all three. Three shall be the number of the deboning and the number of the deboning shall be three. Four shalt thou not debone, neither shalt thou debone two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the deboning, be reached, then stuffest thou the Holy Turducken and place it in thine oven, and after some time hath past, thine friends and family, not having been naughty in my sight, shall eat it.”

Tell me things.

Woo And Muses

  • Posted on July 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

I hope inspiration and the mood will return. It is not for lack of wooing that it holds aloof. But my wooing of late has been perforce intermittent. The Muses do not like such half-heartedness.

-JRR Tolkien, Letters 31

So, perhaps if I put a little more effort into my wooing, my Muses will return? We can hope. I haven’t written anything in I don’t even know how long.

Tell me things.

I Don’t Handle Rejection Well

  • Posted on June 24, 2010 at 9:34 am

I put myself out there and was rejected. So now I feel dejected. Hey, that rhymes! Yikes… bikes!

Guy: Uhh… are you in special ed?

Anyway, for those wondering what I’m talking about, I submitted my “award winning” short story to a Literary Magazine. I got an email from them today.

We are honored that you considered our publication worthy to receive your writing, we thank you for the opportunity to read your work, and we regret that we are unable to publish it at this time. Please consider the numerical reality: that for each issue, we are able to publish much less than one percent of the submissions we receive.

Because we were particularly fond of your submission, in a few days you will receive another email inviting you to submit different work for the next issue. We wish you the very best of luck, we hope you will keep in touch, and we hope that we may continue to read each other.

Ever yours,

The Editors of [literary magazine]

Now, I would be encouraged by the second paragraph, were it not for the fact that I’m now running a website dependent on submissions and I have the distinct suspicion that they’re blowing smoke up my ass to increase their submission rates and readership.

Yes, I have become that cynical.

Tell me things.